The No. 1 Ladies Plumbing Agency

I've greatly enjoyed reading, and then watching the BBC tv shows of, The No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency (written by Alexander McCall Smith, starring Jill Scott). Precious Ramotswe is a native lady of Botswana who is determined to make her own way in the world by becoming a detective - with no help from a mere male. Her guts in tackling the unknown, stick-to-it-ness and sense of humor recently inspired me to venture into the field of plumbing. And it's every bit as puzzling as a detective story, let me tell you!

Mom's bathroom faucet has been running a sneaky leak for a LONG time. It took our newest resident (Miss Birdie) to actually instigate getting it fixed. Birdie loves to sleep in the sink. She gets soaked from the drips. She comes and rubs on Mom. Mom decides it's time to fix the faucet. Now why didn't I think of that?!

So first we have to buy a new faucet. It was fortunate that there were only three choices in the basic, simple style we wanted. The next step up were pretty pricey, and definately too modern in design. So home we go with the shiny new faucet. We declined buying the handy plumbing book at Home Depot("1-2-3 Plumbing for Dummies", I think it was called)- I assured Mom we could save our money for more important things because I could go online and find out how to install this little faucet.

And I did. I watched the YouTube video from Home Depot (at least 6 times), it only took the guy 3 minutes and 15 seconds! He did say plan on an hour - I figured, since it was my first plumbing job, that it would probably take at least two hours. Then I looked at several more sites, taking notes. TMI (too much information) - I liked the video version. I already had 4 post-it notes full of notes, how much more info could I need?

Then it was time to gather the tools. Some searching through tool boxes in the garage provided almost everything I would need. I was grateful that my dad had left such a good supply of tools, and that I had been around Dennis' building projects so I knew what I was looking for and how they were used. I called a retired plumber friend who agreed to lend me a basin wrench, which was the only tool we didn't have on hand. He would drop it off.

But I did need a few things, so I took my short list to Rosenburg's Building Supply, about an 8 minute drive (one way) into Tillamook, and got the caulk and a can of WD40 -that sink was installed about 35 years ago, I thought perhaps some of the fittings might be baulky - more on THAT understatement in a minute.


So here's the tools you need to change a faucet: an adjustable wrench (cresent wrench) or two,
a scraper, and a channel-lock wrench, and some clear caulk, and WD40 (you'll be glad you have that last item - trust me).
A nice shiny new faucet - which thankfully comes with all the innards needed.

After some more reviewing instructions, I decided those post-its were too small, so I took a minute to itemize the steps, complete with check-off boxes, and then I was ready.

Almost.

Here's the view of the scary place. You never want to go here unless IT IS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY.

Step one: turn off the water with the Shut Off Valves. Check.

Step two: disconnect the stopper mechanism. Check. It hadn't worked for about the last 15 years, anyway.

Step three: use the crescent wrench to disconnect the feeder hoses. Are you impressed with my plumbing vocabulary yet?

Step four: release the faucet assembly by unscrewing the large holding nuts.

Here's where we hit the first delay. The basin wrench hadn't arrived. I had thought that might happen, and while returning from fetching the caulk and WD40 (have I mentioned, you are going to NEED that?), I stopped by another handyman friend's place to see if he had one, which he did, but he wasn't home and his wife had no clue where it might be. But she was expecting him any moment, and would send he along with the basin wrench.

Neither guy showed up by the time I was ready for the wrench. We killed some time. Then mom said, hey, it's only about $10 or so, go get one. So back to Rosenburg's.

This is the plumbing aisle. I took a deep breathe and ventured in.

It definately helps to have grey hair, and a knack for looking totally befuddled, because it only took about 3 minutes for John, the salesman I had talked to on the phone regarding the basin wrench, to arrive. He showed me the basin wrench section, we discussed what I was doing, and he had a lot of helpful suggestions. I didn't tell him I already had most of them in my notes.

If you've never been into the plumbing department, I should warn you: most of the tools look like they came out of a medieval dungeon where they were first used to intimidate and torture people. They have kept that dubious distinction, reincarnated as plumbing tools.

I was very proud for having remembered to get plumber's tape when we first got the faucet. I KNEW that would be on the list, and it was. It's weird stuff, feels kinda like skin - it's very filmy and loves to tangle when you are cutting it. It's made of teflon. Do not cook with it.

It didn't take long for Birdie to arrive for inspection duty. She is very possessive of her bathroom - that's where we keep her litter box, and where she gets fed, and where she is incarcerated when necessary. Notice, the basin wrench has been added to the tool supply.

Now I can get back down to business. Step four was quickly accomplished with the handy basin wrench (and I'd like to know just who named some of these tools). On to Step five: lift off the faucet. Umm. Wait a minute. There's another little problem. Even though the water is turned off, the faucet is still leaking. A brief ponder, and consultation with the plumbing assistant (Mom). The shut off valve must be defective. So was that the problem in the first place??

Called John at Rosenburg's. Yep, that was something we needed to fix. Was it a straight feed or angle feed? What kind of pipe? What size? I was learning plumbing by leaps and bounds. John said to bring in one of the feeder hoses, and he would take it from there.

To remove the valves, the main water supply had to be turned off. That shutoff is underground, out in the front yard. Brother Chris happened by to just in time to take care of showing us how to do that.

Back under the sink. Mom wanted to know how to run my digital camera, so I'm instructing her while wrenching on the wrench. Remember that WD40? I had sprayed the stuffings out of those shut-off fittings several times, as soon as I figured out they were going to have to come off. The cold side wasn't too hard. The hot side refused to budge.

Gotcha, ya little rascal.

Back to Rosenburg's, where I had decided, taking a page from Dennis' repair theories, that both hoses and both shut-off valves were going to be replaced. Two new hoses and valves later, complete with instructions from John, and we were back in business.

I wonder if surgeons keep adding different scalpals and such to their trays, as they proceed? You will notice, the tool array has increased...but now all is ready, for the grand finale'. Towel. Tools. Tape. Scissors (which turned out to be too dull to cut the tape...).

At last, the old faucet was lifted off. Let's see...I think that was about Step five. WAY behind schedule...

Inspector Birdie was on duty.

"Watch where you're putting that thing, my tail is right there, you know."

(I took some pictures while sitting on the floor - I only had so many ups-and-downs in me, so I let my assistant do the above-counter stuff.)

Here's why the scraper was on the list. The old gasket, under the old faucet, has to be removed and then the countertop scraped clean of any sealer. That layer of mold and gunk looks like it might be reaching some semblance of intelligence, after incubating for 30-odd years.

Notice the purple flashlight. It was there for a very good reason. It was holding Birdie's tail at bay. Mom didn't want the cat's tail getting in the new caulk she was applying. I suggested moving the cat. Neither of them liked that idea...

If you ever have the priveledge of replacing a faucet, expect debris.

I was able to install the new faucet, fastening the nuts underneath with the new MTT (medieval torture tool), get the new feeder lines fastened at the top, change out the cold shut-off valve - then we took a break for dinner (yes, I know, it's been way more than two hours - more like about 5 at this point) while we waited for the muscles to show up to teach that hot water shut-off valve a thing or two. I didn't feel so badly when I saw brother Terry using the pipe-wrench (another tool - which I actually knew what it looked like) to hold onto the main line AND the crescent wrench on the fitting. He's really strong, and it still took him some good leverage to get that pest off. It was the leaky one, too. Very corroded.

So then I replaced the valve, using the plumber's tape on the pipe threads, fastened the feeder line, and waited while mom went out to turn the main line back on.


It LEAKED. How insulting. I redid the fittings, with new plumber's tape, being careful to use only one wrap, as John had instructed. "Most people put on too much and it makes it leak."

It still leaked. Rats. So after about 7 hours of working on this project, (which involved getting up and down off the floor - an exercise that is difficult with my glitchy knee and feet), we put a basin under the drips, and went to bed.

Next morning we called a plumber. He arrived in a timely fashion and his first words were: "How much tape did you use?"

When I told him only one wrap, as instructed, he laughed and said, "I bet you almost had it, you should have used at least three wraps!"

Well, that's all it took. Less than 10 minutes later, no leaks. So I felt pretty good about what I had accomplished all on my own (almost). And since he was already there, he went ahead and replaced the stopper unit - which took a hack saw and another hour. I had previously told mom there was no way I was tackling that, I could see it was more than I was able to do, and we'd wait for another opportunity when we actually needed a plumber. Little did I know...

Oh yeah. The guys always have "war stories". So here's mine, complete with visuals. I only dinged my knuckles once, at least that showed any wounds.

But I really nailed myself when the crescent wrench slipped off that stubborn valve. My hand came back (without the wrench in it, thank goodness), and my thumb knuckle caught me right on the cheek while my thumb nail went in my eye! It was covered with WD40 by that time, and boy does that stuff sting. I was almost afraid to look at my thumb, it felt like my eyeball was probably stuck on the end of it...

So just a couple of little cuts, a red (and sore) cheek, and blood shot eye for two days. Not too bad. I didn't feel the sore ribs until the next day, where I had been laying across the edge of the board.

So here's our shiny new faucet, no leaks, a working stopper, and Birdie can go back to sleeping in the sink.

Nothin' to it. All in a day's work (OK, day and a half) for The No. 1 Ladies Plumbing Agency.